


Shouldn't, Wouldn't, Couldn't

by chaeyounggie



Series: The 'Us' that Never Was [3]
Category: BLACKPINK (Band)
Genre: Drama, F/F, Fluff and Angst, How Do I Tag, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Light Angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:07:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23702050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaeyounggie/pseuds/chaeyounggie
Summary: Where Lisa borrowed Jennie's flash drive to copy their pictures from their trip in Paris, only to see a folder full of her own photosorWhen Lisa confesses to her long-time crush, Jennie, that she was once in love with her, the night before Jennie’s wedding day
Relationships: Jennie Kim/Lalisa Manoban | Lisa
Series: The 'Us' that Never Was [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1300322
Comments: 6
Kudos: 29





	1. I. Shouldn't

**Author's Note:**

> something out of quarantine. i'm sorry in advance for the errors, i'm too sleepy to edit hkhkhk. enjoy!

It was one of those days where Lisa wanted to just lay on her bed and do nothing. It's December, it's cold and it's sad. 

Sad, not because she's curled up on her bed, alone with her cats; but sad because it's the night before Jennie's wedding – the wedding of her long-time "crush". 

Jennie was her "crush" (if that's the right term for that) for 7 years turning 8 the day after tomorrow. Yes, it's nothing serious, it's just a crush. Lisa just feels this intense adoration for Jennie that makes her want to be closer to her even more and that's totally fine because to Lisa, it's perfectly platonic. It's no big deal when Lisa feels giddy and excited with the mere thought of going out with just the two of them. And it definitely didn't affect her when she sees Jennie's IG stories with her boyfriend doing all that stuff, wishing that it was her who should be doing it with the brunette. Nah, it's just a crush. A one-sided admiration. For 8 fucking years. 

But to be fair, Lisa came to a point where she had to ask herself why she'd care so much if her feelings for Jennie weren't romantic. Because it wouldn't matter if she was just interested in her platonically. She wouldn't feel that sparkly sting on her skin whenever the brunette initiates skinships with her; she also wouldn't mind putting up with her mood swings if she's just a commoner to her; lastly, it wouldn't hurt the way it hurts her right now. 

"Lalisa! Jennie called again!", Lisa's mom shouted. 

Lisa grunted and just sandwiched her head on another pillow. Heavy steps can be heard towards her room and she knew it's her time to get up and face this fcking reality. 

"Hey daughter, do me a favor please? Pick up your goddamn phone and let me cook in peace, will 'ya?" 

Lisa's mom stood by the door, hand on her waist and the other one clinging on the doorknob. Lisa knew her mom was pissed, and so was Jennie, so she gets up and searched her phone, bumping Luca carelessly in the process. 

"Aight, mom." 

"You okay there?" 

"Hmm..." 

Lisa slurred, more like a whisper, but loud enough to let her mom know that she needed space and she wanted to ruminate just a ‘lil bit more before facing her most dreaded night. 

Just then, her phone rang and a pang on her chest suddenly resurfaced. 

It's just a crush, isn't it? 

"Yah! Where the hell are you?! I've been waiting for you for 4 hours, Li!" 

"I…fell asleep." 

"Seriously? Oh, come on, stop lazing around with your cats and get your ass come here! The gang is here already. We miss you!" 

"I miss you, too." 

The air suddenly became thick, and that makes it harder for Lisa to breathe, because what else should she do right now? Jennie said she missed her, and those words simply makes her heart twist in a knot, and who knows when would she be able to hear it again? She can't bail her, and she is scared that this might be the last time she'll ever saw the older girl. 

"Lis... Come right here, okay? I need you..." 

Jennie needs her and she doesn’t, in any way, had the guts to say no to her. In fact, Jennie didn’t even need to beg for Lisa to come, because she knows that she would do anything for her. 

"Alright, I'm coming. Be there in fifty." 

\---- 

Come here, idiot. 

Lisa smiled at the text message she just received. She loves it when Jennie messes up with her. She's so used with the older girl's tirades and sarcasm it made her long for it when Jennie isn't around, because it's the only way where she gets the older girl's attention. And she lets herself be delusional and thinks that somehow, she might be special to the older girl. 

"Hi, do you have it?", Lisa peeked beside Jennie's cubicle to get the flash drive she borrowed. 

"Yes, here." 

"It'll be quick, be back in fifteen!" 

"Sure, just don't cut and paste the pictures, okay?", Jennie reminded. 

Lisa nodded and took the flash drive then went back to her cubicle. 

When she settled on her seat, she immediately plugged in the flash drive and looked for the pictures. However, she didn't know which folder to look at because she forgot to ask the filename for that. Lisa was also lazy enough to go back to the brunette, so she just mindlessly opened random folders on the drive, only to see something that she didn't quite expected to see... 

"Oh shit..." 

She immediately pressed the arrow back to get out of the folder she recently opened. 

Lisa took her time to breathe and thought that maybe she saw it wrong so she clicked again on the folder named "photos" and saw her pictures. 

Not their pictures from their vacation in Paris but her PICTURES. Solo shots, cropped, and some random pictures of herself. It shouldn't be a big deal because, come on, Lisa thought that it's normal to have your crush'es pictured stored on your personal drive but it's Jennie and Jennie is straight and there's no way that she has a crush on her and she...she... 

"What the actual f–" 

Her hand trembled with the mouse as she stopped scanning the folder after clicking two or three pictures just to confirm that it is really her and she's not imagining things. 

It shook her for real, clueless on what to do with this newfound discovery about Jennie. Lisa reminded herself that she might be mistaken, it might be someone else's drive that Jennie borrowed but no, it was pink and engraved with "Nini" and she knows no one other than Jennie having the said nickname. It shouldn't bother her because it's just her pictures, her fucking pictures! The mere idea of Jennie keeping a lot of her pictures in one folder is something she couldn't pass on. 

Not wanting to further see things that she shouldn’t have seen, she ejected the drive and went back to Jennie's cubicle. 

"Oh, you're done already?", Jennie asked, unbothered. 

Lisa wondered how cool Jennie is right now. Isn't Jennie worried that she might have seen her "secret"? Did she really saw it right? Did Jennie put those in purpose for her to see it? 

"Hey, Lisa, are you okay?" 

Lisa broke free from her trance when Jennie nudged her. 

"Uh-hm, yep, t-thanks!" 

Lisa quickly turned and head back to her area, not wanting to cause any further confusion to the older girl. She might not be ready for a confrontation right now. Maybe next time, but not now. 

With that, she shrugged that nagging feeling to neverland. 

She wished to just move on and forget it. 

That she didn’t see anything. 

But she didn’t know how. 

Can she even let it die down? When it suddenly gave her hope that there might be a slightest chance that the older girl might have liked her...in a non-platonic way. 

\--- 

"Look who's here! Hey Monkey!" 

Seulgi, together with Yerim and Wendy, rushed towards Lisa and it made the blonde a bit startled, but quickly recovered from it when Lisa fought back with a hit on Seulgi’s chest. Seulgi jokingly tackled the taller girl, while the other two just laughed at the dancers’ antics. 

“What took you so long?!”, Wendy asked. 

“I fell asleep…” Lisa smiled sheepishly and combed her hair with her fingers. 

“Or you fell for her rather, oof—” Yeri was cut off by a nudge from Seulgi, stopping the youngest teasing Lisa. Lisa just smiled back. 

“She’s looking for you, buddy.”, Seulgi interfered. 

Lisa nods and excused herself from the group to go to the main hall where she sees her best friend, talking to some other people, whom she regards as Jennie’s cousins. When the brunette finally acknowledges her presence from her peripheral vision, she shot her a timid smile and gently waved her hand. 

Jennie then gestured to go the left side of the hall, outside the veranda, where Lisa just followed suit, clutching a glass of wine in her hand that came from the waitress that she just passed by. 

Upon reaching the area, Lisa was in awe to see the overlooking landscape of the heart of Seoul. She thought it was already beautiful in a day, from the view of her office in Namsan, but it was so much breathtaking during the night, where the glimmering lights of the buildings and roads are like fireflies, blinking in and out, giving life to this majestic scenery. 

“Mind sharing a toast with me?” 

Lisa was pulled out from her trance when she heard Jennie’s voice. Just like the scenery, Jennie is as beautiful as ever. Then again, she was reminded of how beautiful this girl is; that the girl with cat-like eyes, perfectly-shaped nose, rosy (and fluffy) cheeks, and plump lips, is getting married tomorrow. How she wish they could have met in a different situation. Maybe in the next lifetime, she thought. 

“Yeah, congratulations Jen.”, the blonde smiled and raised her glass. 

Jennie clinked her glass with the blonde and smiled in return. She sipped a bit of the alcohol from the glass, but her gaze remained on the blonde. How can she not if she’s in front of her most adored person in her life? Lisa is so pretty, she thought. She let herself indulge on whatever feeling she has right now ‘coz she has nothing to lose. She’s getting married tomorrow, a little honesty and some loosing up won’t hurt her. 

“I’m glad you’re here.” 

Jennie said, stepping forward towards Lisa. 

“I wouldn’t miss this for anything, you know that.” 

Lisa answered reassuringly. She stepped back, reaching the railing but still facing Jennie. Jennie went beside her and faced the scenery instead where Lisa did the same thing. 

“Can you believe it? I’m getting married tomorrow.” 

“Yeah, with that same guy, huh.” 

“Do you still remember the time when you saw me crying over him? At the mall?” 

“Hmm, it totally sucks to see you on that state.” Lisa let out a heartily chuckle. 

“I know! It was so embarrassing though.” 

“Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me.” 

“Stupid. But look at us now, you’re still here with me… I’m about to get married, Lis. Isn’t is ironic?” 

Lisa ponders a bit before speaking, “What do you mean?” 

“I mean, look at you. You were there when I was at my lowest point when I broke up with him. And you are still here with me when I’m about to get to married to the same fucking guy.”, said Jennie, with a hint of sarcasm that Lisa didn’t fail to catch. 

It shouldn’t send butterflies to her stomach but it did. It shouldn’t give her hope but it did. Or so she thought. 

“But fate made it all happened. I used to hate him, I thought I would never ever forgive him. But right now, I… he’s now one of the most important people in my life.” 

Hearing those gave Lisa a sense of finality. This is it. It’s the end of her one-sided crush journey with her best friend and finally, she could let herself let go of her hidden feelings. And there is no better closure for it than to ask this one question that she had kept to herself for a very very long time. 

“Jen, I need to ask you something and I want you to be very honest.” 

Jennie’s brows furrowed but lets Lisa go on. 

“Can you still recall the time I borrowed your flash drive?” 

Oh yes, Jennie can still clearly recall that stupid moment where she forgot to erase the folder where she kept all of Lisa’s photos before she lend it to the younger girl. She has no choice other than to play it cool and hope that Lisa didn’t see it. 

“Uhuh…” 

“I…well, I saw… I saw… I mean I accidentally opened a folder, I did not really intend to explore but…I… I opened the folder… of you know… I saw… me … my…” 

Lisa blabs, as she tried so hard to not sound as if she’s insinuating something. 

“…” 

“Correct me if I’m wrong but I’m sure... I… saw my “ 

Jennie takes a sip of her champagne and then answered, “Your pictures?” 

“W-what?” 

“You were so obvious back then. I knew you saw it when you returned the drive to me.” 

Lisa was surprised not because Jennie confirmed that those were indeed her pictures, but instead, she was surprised that Jennie still remembers that exact moment from 5 years ago. 

“Why didn’t you say anything?” 

Jennie stops, then looks at Lisa. 

“Why didn’t _you_ ask me?” 

It was Lisa’s turn to keep mum. But hell, this is what she signed up for. She wanted some truth, so she has to face the consequences. Besides, she has nothing to lose now. Lisa has lost Jennie the moment she decided not to tell what she felt for her before. 

“I was unsure. I-I mean, I didn’t scan the whole drive, you might have another folder of someone else’s right?” 

“You know Lis, I’m not really that dense.” 

Jennie finished her glass and put it on the floor. She fished out a box from her pocket then pulled out a stick and nipped between her lips. She offered the box to the blonde but politely declined. 

Jennie lighted up the cig with feeble hands, trying to cover up her nervousness and anxiety. She knows that it is her last chance to be honest with the blonde but she couldn’t be careless because one mistake could ruin everything between them and she cannot afford to lose her, not in this way. 

As she took a long drag, her gaze found its way on Lisa’s, hoping that she didn’t need to speak just to let her know what she really wanted to say. 

It was intense, thick, and full, a kind of gaze you couldn’t resist looking back. But it was also dark, and sad, and you knew it wasn’t anything but bad news. Lisa didn’t have to hear it from Jennie so she will take the leap. 

“Jennie, I lov–“ 

“No Lisa, you don’t.” 

“But–“ 

“Stop…” 

“But Jennie! Let me please!” 

“Stop it, Lis! Please… I… I know, I knew it okay? Just please, don’t say it. I don’t want to hear it.” 

Jennie didn’t want to hear any of it because the moment she did, her resolve (between what she should do and what she would do) that she had built for years would simply crumble down. It’s not really the best time to get confused. 

“It shouldn’t be a big deal anymore, right?” 

“…” 

“Oh cmon, you’re getting married tomorrow! It doesn’t matter anymore, Jen!” 

“It does.” Jennie hissed and huffed a smoke. 

“Then fucking tell me why?!” 

“Because I do, Lisa. I do.” 

Lisa stared at Jennie dumbstruck. It need be elaborated. No more explanation must be told at all because those 2 fucking words are more than enough to let her know that everything, she felt for Jennie was not put in vain. It was enough and she feels light. 

“Can I, at least, get a hug?” 

“Of course, jerk.” 

Jennie threw her cig while she choked with her own tears but she flashed a smile and rushed towards Lisa. She hugged the girl so tight, as if her life depends on it. 

Lisa returned the hug just as much as how Jennie did it. She pulled out a bit from it, but only to take a closer look at Jennie’s tear-stained face. And gosh, Lisa’s heart did several back flips, starstruck on how the brunette could look so beautiful even if she’s crying. 

“Stop crying, bitch. It doesn’t suit you, at all.” Lisa jokingly said. 

“I just… will you still be there tomorrow?” 

Lisa took this opportunity to stare a lil bit longer on the brunette. She gently wiped Jennie’s tears with her thumb, putting a little more pressure because she wanted to feel and convince herself that she’s not dreaming. Lisa wanted to linger more because the thought of sending off the girl, that she loved for 8 fucking years, to the guy she hated the most might be her biggest regret in her entire life. 

But she didn’t want to pile up the regrets she has in her life, something twisted inside her as she slipped her hand around the brunette’s neck and suddenly leaned in, fully capturing Jennie’s lips. Jennie was surprised but before she knew what she was doing, she found herself returning the kiss – her hands now up in Lisa’s hair. But reality hit her quick, so she tried to talk and pull away. 

“No, Lis…”, but Lisa tilted her head, capturing Jennie’s lip, gently tugging on it. 

Jennie stopped struggling and decided to just let Lisa kiss her. She was sure she would be able to break the kiss in a few seconds anyway – until she found herself losing control and starting to kiss back. Again. 

“N-no…” She finally pushed Lisa away, holding Lisa’s shoulders at arm’s length. She gulped. 

“I-I, Lis... I’m getting married for goodness sake, this is wrong. Very wrong.” 

Lisa smiled weakly. “I know. Think of it as my last favor. I swear to you this would never happen again.” She chuckled bitterly as she gently took Jennie’s hands off her shoulders and wiped her wet eyes. 

“I’m so sorry, Lisa.” 

Jennie tried to reach in, but Lisa took a step backward as she bit her lips, trying her best to stop herself from tearing up. 

“Lisa...” 

Suddenly, a voice coming from the access door came in, breaking the tension between them. 

“I’ve been looking for you since I came here.” 

Lisa turned to the source of the voice only to see her girlfriend, Irene. Lisa took one last glance to Jennie, before heading to the other brunette. 

Irene watched Lisa walked towards her and flashed a timid smile. But once she got a hold of Lisa’s hand, her eyes traveled to Jennie, sending shivers to the younger brunette. 

“Juhyun ah, I'm sorry, we’re just... talking.” 

“Let’s go then?” 

Irene clutched Lisa’s hand tighter and pulled her closer to her. She didn’t intend to let Lisa stay a bit longer with Jennie because the moment she does, she might lose her for real. Lisa just nodded and turned to exit the veranda. 

“Lisa yah!” 

They stopped on their tracks when Jennie shouted her name. Irene looked at Lisa worried, but Lisa just stood there, frozen, without looking back at the brunette. 

“You’re my maid of honor, I need _you_ there.” 

Lisa has spent her youth trying to figure out if there’s somebody out there who want her and needs her just as much as she wants and need them. So, when that moment comes, especially when it’s from Jennie, she doesn’t have the strength at all to say no. 

“Anything for you, Jen.”


	2. II. Wouldn't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> irene feels like lisa wasn't hers to lose;  
> jennie entertains unwanted thoughts on a not so good timing;  
> lisa losing everything before she knew what they are

Lisa and Irene are now side by side standing in the elevator, no one between them dares to speak as if they were scared that they may step on each other’s uncharted territories. Lisa sneaks beside her, having a quick look on her girlfriend, but Irene cant seem to be budged as she fixed her gaze on the door with a serious look plastered on her face. Lisa then remained her head down, not wanting either to start a conversation.

Finally, the door rang a bell and opened up, and it was Irene who went out first heading out to her Porsche with Lisa trailing from behind. The 2-min walk from the elevator up to the car felt like walking on a bridge filled with glass shards, it tires and bleeds the hell out of you.

Irene gets in the car without even paying a glance to the blonde. She wears her seatbelt and switched on the car but it was Lisa’s hand that stopped her from shifting the gear. She just heaved a deep breath.

“Hey, look at me, please?” Lisa softly asked, her hand still clutching on Irene’s.

The older girl sighed again and leaned back to her seat. She just let Lisa took her hand, softly pressing her palm back. After another sigh, she finally looked at Lisa and frowned.

“I was looking for you the whole night.”

“I know, I’m sorry Joohyun ah…”

Silence emerges between them but looking at Irene, she looks like she’ll burst at any moment.

“…”

“Hon, listen to me, it’s not what you think.”

“You know what hurts? I thought that coming up with you tonight is a brand new start for us. I mean, I was surprised you agreed in the first place, so I thought, ‘hey, she has moved on already, this is a big deal, right?’. Because you have been so in love with her for the longest time and thank God, she’s getting married ‘cause if not? What else do I have now?”

“You have me.”

“But it doesn’t feel like that.”

It stings and it burns Lisa. She never thought that hearing those words from Irene will make her feel all sorts of pain and she didn’t like any tad bit of that.

Lisa kept mum, their hands now disentangled, and Irene hates it because she wanted to talk, to lash out and to shout but most importantly, she wanted to her Lisa’s voice. She wanted her to console her, to say sorry and apologize to her. She wanted to feel that Lisa would do anything for _them_ , to _save them._

But the longer the silence there is, the scarier she gets because she feels like Lisa has been slowly drifting away. And she thinks if she will be able to bear this kind of weight on her shoulders for the rest of her life if they will be together. Yes, Lisa’s physically with her, but does her heart and mind still belongs to her? Or was it even hers to begin with?

“I’m setting you free, Lis.”

The younger girl was shook that made her face Irene immediately. Is she hearing things right? Oh god, she didn’t think she can handle a second heartbreak for tonight.

Lisa was welcomed with a tearing up Irene. She knew Irene as much as she knew Jennie so it hurts her to see her at this state, and to know that she has been the reason why the older girl is suffering. Does Irene deserve all of this? No. If anyone else who should be blamed right now is herself.

“No, I don’t want to break up with you. I… I-I… I don’t want any of it! No…”

Lisa fumbled as she cupped Irene’s face, looking at her eye to eye. Her hand then searched for the older girl’s hands and clasped it, shaking a bit as she showered kisses on her knuckles softly. Irene didn’t flinch because she needs to stay strong, and be firm, and be unforgiving, and not give in to her needs, on her heart desires, and on the damp feeling on her knuckles because of Lisa’s tears – she need to save _herself_.

“You… you deserve to be happy. And if it’s not me who can make you happy then I need to let you go.”

“B-but…I love you.”

“And I love you the most, Lisa.”

“No…”

“I told you, you need to stop worrying about me. Jennie’s the love of your life, would you really let her go just like that?”

“But how can you let me go that easily?”, Lisa meekly said which made Irene shot her gaze at the younger girl

“Because I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t love me back. Wholeheartedly. 100%. Do you understand that?”

“But I do!”

“You don’t!”

“I do! Goddamnit, believe me once and for all!”

“I believe in you Lisa but it’s so hard… It’s so hard.”

They looked at each other, and lingered a little more longer than they should. To Lisa, Irene’s eyes mirrored the scariest thing she’s ever seen – finality. And she was suddenly filled with regret for coming tonight in the party and for wearing her heart on her sleeves. To Irene, Lisa’s pleading eyes pierced her heart, as if she was the meanest person for making the girl in front of her cry. But she can’t do anything right now but to cling onto Lisa’s hands on her face, leaned forward letting their foreheads pressed against each other.

“That’s why I’m letting you go. You need to be with her. Fight for her Lisa before it is too late.”

“But – “

“Enough, Lis. This is enough.”

Lisa took one last final glance to the older girl before she crashed her lips on hers. Irene was too stunned to react, but she remains still and closed her eyes as the younger girl put a little more pressure on the kiss. It was reckless, disordered and firm but Irene doesn’t mind. Lisa’s hurt and hell, she could do anything she wanted to do to her, and it would be totally fine so when she felt Lisa tug her lower lip, she angled her head and allowed the younger girl to pour her heart out with the kiss, sealed with both of their tears.

Lisa choked from her sobbing, which eventually made her pull away from Irene, but Irene cupped Lisa’s face, and left a soft lingering kiss on her forehead. Irene then slipped her arms around the young, wishing for things to change and not end up the that it did right now.

_In another lifetime, maybe._ She asks herself if she would do the same thing.

She _wouldn’t._

Maybe, if she was just a little bit more selfish, and cruel, she wouldn’t have let Lisa go. She wouldn’t have to sacrifice her own happiness for the sake of _their_ happiness.

“Let’s take you home now, okay?”

“…okay.”

**_\--Summer--_ **

Lisa decided tonight to walk around Itaewon and look for some ddeukboki because she just finished her shoot around the area, and she is too lazy to cook a decent dinner for herself. She’s tired, so tired but she won’t complain because it’s her choice and there’s no one to blame but herself.

Ever since Jennie left Seoul for Paris, Lisa started taking freelance shoots along with her dance lessons, nonstop. She also has midnight shifts at a cafeteria to earn extra bucks, and even had weekend duties on her cousin’s vet as a pet groomer, saying that she needs more money to save – which in reality is just an excuse because she’s the daughter of the best chef in town, not to mention, the best in the whole country.

Truth to be told, it’s just her way of punishing herself for being such a d*ck and a coward and for letting Jennie go just like that, without even telling her what she really feels for her. If Lisa wanted to be honest to herself, she would ditch everything and follow Jennie in Paris, once and for all. But she couldn’t and wouldn’t even dare risk it because there is so much to lose. Besides, she’s just a friend, nothing more, nothing less. It’s just that, there are times that she can’t help but think of the possibilities that may happen if she told Jennie that she loves her.

She fucking regrets it because Jennie might be staying for good in Paris.

At the far end corner of the street, Lisa found a deukbokki stall and immediately walked towards it.

“Finally...”

It was a joy when Lisa sees those rice cakes submerged on that spicy sauce and she thinks she might faint by just the mere smell of it. The ahjumma hands her a paper cup and chopsticks so she grabs it and starts picking her portion. Lisa is about to take one last serving of ddeukboki when someone also pokes the same rice cake that she is about to get.

"What the f– “

Lisa stops midway her statement when she saw who it was.

“Lisa?”

“Ah, u-unnie? Damn I'm s-sorry you c-can have this.” Lisa hands over her cup to Irene, feeling stupid for cursing earlier.

“No, it’s okay Lisa. You don’t have to.” Irene looks at Lisa, slightly amused at the younger girl.

“I insist! I-I mean, I'm not shouting okay? I-I... I.. You can have this, it’s clean, I haven’t eaten it yet!”

Irene finds it cute to see a shy Lisa in front of her and she doesn’t want to prolong the younger girl’s agony so she takes the cup but picks up a ddeukboki and brings it toward Lisa’s mouth, acting like she’s feeding her.

“Okay then, let’s share instead. No more ‘buts’, okay?”

Lisa stood there, stunned. It doesn’t sit well on her the fact that her workmate/ high school crush/ Jennie’s childhood friend, Bae Joohyun, is in front of her and is fucking F E E D I N G her a fucking spicy rice cake.

Irene waits for the younger girl’s response, slowly feeling stupid for being too straightforward. The brunette wants to retreat or just sink from where she’s standing because she cannot stand the embarrassment she’s feeling right now but it all dissipated when Lisa opened her mouth and eats the ddeukboki from her chopsticks.

It is her turn to be shocked.

Lisa covers her mouth while munching and said “Wold yo loyk to harv a drinkg wiht me?”

Irene chuckles, “What?”

The blonde repeats what she said but remains incoherent for the older girl. And it became obvious to Lisa that Irene has been making fun of her, so she takes one last ddeukboki in her mouth and grabs her hand, taking it as if it’s hers.

Holding Irene’s hand feels foreign and surreal, but it is also ecstatic and blissful at the same time.

It makes her wanna hold it tighter, longer.

And all at once, she suddenly feels not so tired at all.

_**\--Autumn--** _

It took several months for Jennie and Lisa to reconnect with each other due to each of their ‘busy’ schedule. Jennie became so occupied with coping up with the Parisian Life she’s dreamed of, while pursuing her post graduate studies offered by the Marie Claire UK who hired her as their feature editor. Lisa, on the other hand, remained on working for Elle Korea as their main photographer, together with Elle’s premiere model Irene (wherein the three of them used to work in the same fashion company).

Jennie munched her bagel while swirling her coffee as she stared to the screen, smile painted on her face, while listening to Lisa’s drabbles and stories. They have been talking for hours for what was planned as a quick chit chat. As busy as she is, she cannot deny the fact that she misses the younger girl so much, so much that she associates the girl in everything that she does in Paris. She misses Lisa while she was visiting the museums, thinking that the blonde must’ve liked art as much as she did; she misses Lisa whenever she passes by the Eiffel Tower, knowing that Lisa always talked about going to the highest level of the tower to take a selfie; she misses Lisa when she walks alone on the street, enjoying the view of the city, maybe walking hand in hand, because she knows Lisa is clingy and she likes to hold her hand whenever they walk side by side. She fucking misses Lisa Manoban.

“Hey, are you listening?”

“Hmm…what?” Jennie pretended to look surprised. She wanted to tease the younger girl.

“Nahh, you weren’t listening! I told you a bunch of stuff and yet you weren’t even paying attention~!” Lisa was shooting tantrums at her but she didn’t mind, Lisa was hella cute.

“Err, what was that again?”

“You know what, I hate you.” Lisa answered back. She might not mean it the way it should be, but she partly does. She hates being so needy of Jennie’s attention because she thought it’s unhealthy and it’s overbearing, and she’s scared this might push Jennie away from her. But more than that, she hates it that she still yearns for her and yet she can’t do anything to stand upon her feelings because she’s a goddamn coward or rather not much of a risk taker.

“Do you, Lisa?”

They stared at each other for like an eternity, both afraid to step on each other’s unchartered territories. Lisa was the first one to break the eye contact, looked down for a bit and then gazed back at the brunette. The weight of her longing and regrets just sank into her right now. It took Lisa a lot of will and self-control to stop herself from confessing because it’s not _right._ She hates Jennie so much because she cannot not love Jennie, no matter what.

Jennie’s gaze softened when she realized that she was about to tear up. Jennie thought it was ridiculous because for one, she didn’t know the reason why seeing Lisa through the screen makes her sad and feel heavy. And it sucks because she _knows,_ she just didn’t want to admit it. She’s not sure about anything after all. If she’s just assuming things, then it’s not worth it if it will just ruin their friendship.

_But a little honesty won’t hurt_ , Jennie thought.

“Jen…”

“I– “Jennie stops. She breathed in and out.

_I miss you, Lisa,_ Jennie hesitated.

“Are you going to say something?”, Lisa asked.

_Fck it! So be it!,_ Jennie mentally cursed herself.

“I mi–“ Jennie was cut off midway her statement when Irene suddenly came in beside Lisa. Lisa jerked at the contact, not really expecting an audience at this moment. She was not expecting to see Irene today. Maybe, they’d talk about that later.

“Oh! Jennie yah! Hello!”, Irene waved at the screen.

An ‘o’ formed in Jennie’s lips, and she answered “Hi Irene unnie…”

Jennie didn’t miss the way Irene slid her arms around Lisa’s waist, the way she leaned her head on Lisa’s shoulder; and the way she looked at the younger girl. It was full of adoration, amusement, and care. She’s never seen her childhood friend as happy as like that before.

Lisa sensed the tension that filled the air because after all, she knew Jennie too well to not know. So she yanked Irene’s arm a bit away from her waist, trying to tone down the skinship in front of Jennie. But Irene re-adjusted her position and hugged Lisa tighter than earlier. Lisa took this as a cue to end the call.

“I guess, this is goodbye, for now, okay?” Lisa carefully said, not wanting to show how uncomfortable she is right now.

“Oh, but I just came Lis. Can’t I talk to my friend, right Jennie?” Irene whined. It looks innocent but there is a tinge of bitterness on her tone that didn’t go unnoticed by Lisa.

Before Lisa could answer Irene, Jennie spoke and said “Actually, Lisa’s right, I really have to go but yeah, we can talk some other time. I’ll let you know.”

“Well, I won’t say I’m not disappointed but, I’ll let you pass this time, Kim.”, Irene replied.

Jennie tried so hard to shoot a smile in front of the couple, but it didn’t reach her eyes and Lisa gets it because she hasn’t told Jennie yet about her and Irene.

Okay, she was assuming things. How dare her to assume that Jennie would mind or even care about her relationship in the first place. It’s ridiculous because even if there’s this fine line between them about admitting or denying their feelings, _it_ could never happen. Not in this lifetime, to say the least.

Once the call ended, Lisa stood up and was heading out to her room, leaving Irene on the couch. Irene was upset as to why the younger girl was acting this way, so she followed her and tried to stop her by reaching her hand. That made Lisa stop on her tracks.

“What was that?”

“What?” Lisa turned to face the older girl.

“Are you seriously gonna leave me just like that?”

“Just like what?”

“Did I ruin your precious time with Jennie that’s why you’re treating me like shit?”

“Tsch. Seriously? Is this what it’s all about?”

Lisa shook her head, feeling helpless. Irene couldn’t take it anymore.

“You’re not answering my questions Lisa!”

“Because I don’t need to explain anything to you!”

Lisa raised her voice a little bit higher than she should because she felt cornered and she was upset that Irene was making her feel like she committed a sin, or a forbidden act. But it also dwindled down to the fact that she feels guilty for being _upset_ on Irene. It worsened when she saw a frown mirrored over Irene’s face.

“Look, Joohyun ah, I’m… I didn’t mean it.”

“Yes, you’re right, you don’t have to explain anything. You just made it perfectly clear to me what your point was.” Irene said as she wiped a tear from her cheek. She was about to walk out when Lisa blocked her way and cupped her face. Lisa’s touch stings but Irene leaned in more, it hurts but she needs it so bad.

“I’m sorry, I…I was inconsiderate, I’m selfish and I’m a jerk but believe me, it’s not what you think.”

“From the very start, I know I don’t stand a chance against her, and that you’ll never love me back the way I expect you to. It’s perfectly fine for me, I mean, I totally understand you. But please, can you at least give me a chance? Give your heart a chance to open up. I’m here Lisa, let me in to this.” Irene sobbed as she let herself fall into Lisa’s chest and pointed on Lisa’s heart. Lisa hugged her tighter.

“I’m trying.”

“Then try harder, Lis.”

And at that moment, Lisa knew she fucked up. Big time.

_**\--Winter--** _

The smell of freshly baked choco chip cookies filled the air at Manoban’s residence where Lisa and her Dad are busy preparing their goodies for their gift-giving event for an orphanage in Busan. It’s a family tradition that they usually do every Christmas, and Lisa couldn’t be more grateful to participate in this event. Besides, she’s got nothing else to do when Irene decided to spend her Christmas with her family in Daegu (because she declined the older girl’s offer in the first place).

After neatly packing over a hundred packs of cookies, Lisa decided to take a break and went back to her room. She planned on having a nap when her and Jennie’s picture on her desk caught her attention. She went on her table and picked it up, and thoughts of wanting to talk to her suddenly rushed into her senses. It’s weird to be feeling sappy all of a sudden but she reasoned out to herself that it’s Christmas and it’s normal to miss a _friend_ and there’s nothing wrong if she would try to contact Jennie after bailing out from their agreed facetime schedule from months ago.

So Lisa opened her Macbook to login but it’s dead so she looked for the charger on her drawer when she saw a black flash drive beside the charger. It was like having war flashbacks for Lisa because she suddenly remembered the _pictures_ she once saw on Jennie’s pink drive. And until now, it was driving her crazy as to why Jennie would keep (or collect) her pictures on her drive. To her, it’s either Jennie’s a lowkey psycho stalker (Lisa was immediately cringe at that thought) or there’s a possibility, even for a tiny bit, that Jennie might have harbored feelings for her.

She was scanning random pictures from the drive, but she spent the longest time staring on her photos with Jennie when they were in Paris. Jennie must be having a blast there, spending her life as how she should, and somehow, she felt at ease to be one of those people who led Jennie into the life she’s having right now. Amidst that, Lisa wished that she could have been more honest with herself when she still had the chance. There is nothing worse in this world than reg because it will consume you for the rest of your life.

Suddenly, a notification popped up from her screen. It took her a while to process it so when she opened it, the message was already deleted.

Jennie must have changed her mind, she thought. Lisa couldn’t help but smile. Jennie didn’t change at all,

Then again, she saw 3 dots hovering on the chat box, indicating that the other person was typing something. But it took a minute, and another minute, and another one, but nothing came out anymore.

Lisa didn’t feel bad.

Because she knew that Jennie remembers her.

And for her, it was the best gift that she received this Christmas.

\---

It was a long and silent ride from Jennie’s villa going back to Lisa’s apartment. None of them dared to speak, as Irene fixed her gaze on the road, while Lisa remained slumped on her seat with her head leaning on the window as she stares blankly to the outside. And she wonders, how much more would she be able to cry? It was tiring, and hurting, but crying makes her feel things and it brings her back to the reality that they have already broken up.

Lisa thinks she’s now alone; she deserves it anyway. It’s her punishment for being selfish and a jerk. She should have trashed her feelings from Jennie the moment she met Irene because the older girl might be right, she might not admit it to herself that she hasn’t fully moved on and if that’s the case then she deserves to be hated for using Irene as her rebound.

But she thinks deeper and it wasn’t really the case. She loves Irene, a legitimate kind of love – the kind of love that makes you happy and hurt at the same time. She even pictured out herself marrying the older girl someday, building a home with her, and eventually having kids with her. It was all perfectly laid out not until she acknowledged her feeling for Jennie tonight. And this makes her confused as well because if she really loves Irene genuinely, then why does admitting her feelings for Jennie felt good? Why does she feels upset for knowing that Jennie is going to get married tomorrow? And why does leaving Jennie a while ago crushed her?

Lisa _wouldn’t_ want to know. She would shut it from her mind and forget about it. Irene loves her, so she should give back the love that Irene deserves.

“You’re overthinking.”

Irene suddenly spoke out and it made Lisa startled a bit because Irene’ right. She knows her very well.

“I’m… not…”

“We’re here.”

Lisa didn’t notice that they are now parked in front of (their) her apartment. She then grabbed the older girl into a hug, lingering just a little bit more, which Irene openly received. It breaks her as well but she must do this if she wanted to get on the right page. And if destiny permits that Lisa is truly her soulmate then she would still accept the younger girl with open arms. To her, it’s Lisa or no one.

After that hug, Lisa quickly went out of Irene’s car and walked towards her door without looking back. Irene took it as a cue to leave now she went ahead, wanting to get home quickly and pour her heart out on her pillow.

When Lisa heard the car’s engine getting silent, her knees suddenly became weak, so she clung on the door handle as she looks out for her keys. It just sunk into her that her and Irene had broken up the moment she’s not with her anymore.

Before she could even stand up, she heard a loud crashing sound blocks away her from her place and her heartbeat suddenly ramped up when the thought of Irene being involved in the crash came by.

She quickly got up, almost tripping in the process, and went to the road to check what happened only to see a wrecked red car in front of a truck.

Lisa felt her world shattering all at once when she saw the burning red car before she even made it on the scene.

“No....Joohyun ah... N-no...”

She refused to believe that it’s happening, or she wished she was just having a very very bad nightmare, but her chest hurts, her eyes burn, and her knees feels weak. She didn't know that she’d be losing everything before she knew what they are. It was supposed to be a simple night for her and Irene, they weren’t supposed to fight, they weren’t supposed to break up, Irene wasn’t supposed to...

Lisa suddenly felt nauseous, wanting to vomit, with her feet stuck on the ground while staring on the blazing fire right in front of her. It was disastrous, messy, and loud and it seems that she blacked out – because she couldn’t hear the man shouting at him to go away because it might explode, or the screams of the civilians around her, or the voice that keeps on calling her name.

“Lisa!!!”

The blonde was taken aback when someone pulled her arm and made her turn around. Her eyes widened when she saw Irene looking worried at her. At that moment, it felt like she was struck by a lightning and all her emotions came rushing through, welling up her eyes with tears. Lisa wasted no time and hugged the Irene tightly as if her life depended on it.

“Oh my god, I thought I was going to lose you...” Lisa whispered as she nuzzled on Irene’s neck.

Irene pulled away only to have a clearer look of the younger girl. She wiped her tears and fixed her hair but worry and fear are still evident on Lisa’s face so she cupped her face and gave her a quick peck on the lips.

“Lisa, calm down. I’m safe, it’s not my car okay? Hon, I'm here.”

“I-I... I thought... It was red and I t-thought it was y– “

Lisa was still trembling from the shock so Irene pulled her away from the scene and went beside the curb.

“Ssshhh... Lisa, it’s not me. I made a U-turn before it happened because I wanted to take back what I've said and suddenly I just heard an explosion...I stopped and I s-saw you running. I was calling you but you didn’t hear me and here you are...I-I... I’m sorry...”

“What did you say?”

“H-huh? I said I was calling you and you di–“

“No, before that…”

“I… n-never mind…”, Irene turned away from Lisa’s gaze but Lisa stopped her and made her face her again.

“Hey, forget what I said. It’s noth–“

Lisa looked at Irene intently, caressed her cheeks, and planted a soft kiss on her forehead, stopping the older girl from her ramblings. Irene just leaned in to the kiss and hugged back the taller girl. Lisa felt her life crashing before her eyes a while ago and it made her realize that she couldn’t bear it if anything bad will happen to Irene.

“Don’t leave me, please?”, Lisa whispered, still hugging Irene tightly.

It took Irene 5-good-seconds to realize that Lisa was literally asking her to stay, and it’s a good thing, she should be happy. Did it mean that Lisa chose her? Does Lisa really love her? She badly wanted to know. And she would only know that if she would be willing to take the risk. Again.

Lisa kissed her before she could answer back, and it was the honk of the car from the road that made them stop and reminded them that they were still outside, and Irene’s car was still blocking the road. 

They continued to make out when they got inside the car, and it took all of Lisa’s remaining will to restrain so that they can go back to her apartment. Once the door was opened, Irene latched her hands on Lisa’s neck and kissed her deeply, while Lisa returned the favor, but adding a bit of force as she pushed Irene against the wall. Lisa pressed her body closer to Irene as she continued to kiss Irene on her jaw down to her neck, her thigh slipping in between Irene’s which made the older girl let out soft whimpers because of the contact.

“Hmmm..Lis…”

Irene knew her body needed more so she pushed Lisa a bit, pulled up her shirt, and unbuttoned her jeans. Lisa did the same thing by unzipping Irene’s dress using her other hand while the other one was guiding them upstairs to her room.

One thing led into another and they ended up pleasing each other’s need, and spooning, naked, on Lisa’s bed. Irene assumed that the blonde was already asleep since she can feel the steady breathing on her neck (Lisa being the big spoon between them). Damn, she wanted to sleep so bad as well because she was so tired from all of the things that have happened today, but she couldn’t because that nagging thought is _still there._

She wanted to convince herself that everything is okay, but it’s not.

It’s 08:35 in the morning.

Lisa woke up.

Irene is gone.

Lisa stared at the ceiling for awhile and clutched the sheets on her chest. The bed feels empty now without Irene and it doesn’t feel good, not one bit. She was not sure if everything that has happened last night was true or was it just her imagination. But her legs feel cramped, and she felt a mark on her neck near her collar bone, and her sheets smell like Irene’s bvlgari perfume, and her heart damn hurts, so hell must be real, she thought.

She looked at her clock on her bedside table and saw a note beside it.

_I’m sorry Lis._

09:00 am, the clock said.

Lisa crumpled the paper and got off her bed.

\---

Jennie has been pacing back and forth for the past 30 minutes. It must be the wedding jitters, she thought. Cold feet? Eh, too late for that. But maybe not.

She’s so sure about it, yeah, no one can even change her mind. She’s marrying Kai and they gonna start their family. She’s gonna have kids, a home for them, a business where they could flourish – the life that she dreamt of having since she was a kid.

But why does she feel _unsettled_? More like confused, and dazed, and confused, and…confused. Too bad it isn’t the right time to be confused because in any minute, she would walk on that altar to meet the husband of her life.

“She’s coming, don’t you worry.”

“Huh? Who?”, Jennie replied, quite surprised on the girl who popped into her room.

“Has Lisa ever failed you?”, Jisoo asked, hands on her waist.

“I’m… I’m not waiting for her.”

“Really? Kai’s already out there but look at you, you’re still sulking, waiting for your girl.”, Jisoo teased.

“Shut up, Kim. I said I’m not waiting for her. And… even if she doesn’t come, I don’t care.”

Jennie might have bitten her tongue a little too hard because she can taste a metallic tinge in her mouth. She flinches a bit and continues to fidget on her veil.

“If you say so.”

“Hey, I’m telling the truth!”

“Owkaaay, huh. I’m just kidding you don’t have to be mad okay? Chill!”

“You’re speaking nonsense.”

Jennie turned her back on Jisoo, feeling a bit flushed suddenly. And she wonders if Jisoo is right.

She might be right.

All things may be damned because, yes, she’s been waiting for Lisa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, i'm back. decided to make this a bit longer than it should :) and i recently became fond of Lisrene so there you go. Btw, i got that ddeukboki scene from twt where irene was eating it with a friend and i just thought she was sooo cute i had to add it up in here. Also, i didn't proof read this so errors are all in me. I aim to post the last chapter before this year ends so please don't get mad at me hahaha. 
> 
> p.s. i shouldn't be saying this in here but i'm desperate so if anyone of you has an extra signed blackpink album then do please hit me up :)

**Author's Note:**

> ~~lemme know if I should post the 2nd version of the ending?  
>  i didn't know how to stitch that scene with my first ending so i decided to write it on a different direction.  
> anyways, ciao! ~~
> 
> update: 090820  
> i decided to continue this as a three-shot story instead of posting the alternate ending :)


End file.
